Aloha!
Have you been reading Jenni, of
Story of My Life's
Advice for Bloggers posts? If you haven't, it's pretty great. Jenni is one of my favorite bloggers. And well, I've always dreamed of having a popular, beautiful blog like hers. Today's
advice hit home for me.
Lately, or more like almost a year has gone by that I've had little interest in blogging. I don't like being 'real'. It's scary to put my feelings or what I am going through out here for everyone (more specifically- family, stalkers, ex boyfriends) to read. I tend to prefer to keep most things, the deep things to myself.
Anyway, it's time to talk. I
need to talk, vent, spill my guts,
etc. This is a very wordy post. Whether you choose to read it or not, it
won't hurt my feelings. Trust me.
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Things have been tough. Emotionally tough. I really have started to think I need to see a counselor. My husband doesn't understand. I constantly feel overwhelmed. I'm lacking major sleep because I can't shut my brain off. One would think that moving to 'paradise' would be all rainbows and sunshine...that I should be happy?! Well you see, we are faced with life amongst all the rainbows and sunshine (actually its rainy season right now...boo).
Army/Milspouse Life:
1-Money. It's expensive to live here. Sure, the Army gives you a certain amount of money but, when the other spouse can't find a job to save her life and you've got student loans to be paid every month it gets tight. Having no job then makes one feel useless. You live paycheck to paycheck. You have to say no to doing fun things on your list. It gets sad or old sometimes. I loathe money issues. I feel bad for even saying that, like I'm selfish and ungrateful but it weighs on me, constantly. I use to think I was simple, that I could merely enjoy simple things. I guess I don't?
2- Friends. Having little to no friends here has certainly not made things easier. You know those days where you really need girl time/time away from your hubby because he is driving you nuts? Ya... I just go to the beach, which isn't so bad but girl time is always good for the soul. Sometimes I just end up calling my mom. Part of it I think is my fault. I knew marrying into Army that military spouse friends would come and go due to PCSing so I chose to not allow myself any super close friendships. I can't just take a road trip...I'm on an island. Sure I could fly home... If I wanted to spend $800-1000 on a flight all the way across the US. (FL is home). Again, it's not easy.
3- Our Marriage. It's taken a serious backbone. As I said a few blog posts ago, it's been tough. It's been better lately actually, but could use some working on. We would like to see a marriage counselor but of course his work schedule doesn't allow it. He doesn't always get a lunch break. He is in bed by 7 every night, up at 4:30am. So, The Army does marriage retreats, which is pretty cool and before we got married we had talked about taking advantage of them. We've tried twice to go and Hubby can't get out of what he is doing...they won't let him. There's an awesome spouse day next week. Something I've been wanting to do.... Do you think his unit will allow the men to participate with their wives on this day?? Nope. The Army is not all about making marriages strong. When your in the Army, it's #1. Not you, not your spouse, not your kids. I knew I'd be marrying the Army when I married my Hubby. I just didn't realize it would be this bad/hard.
4- Plans. You can't hope for or plan anything in the Army. My husband has missed his twin brothers wedding and now will be missing his best friends wedding. There's a looming deployment and everything has been changing lately. It keeps getting pushed back and even has been talk of none at all. I can't get excited about that because they could easily up and change their minds, for the billionth time. This pushes back our plans of what I'd do while he is deployed and for seeing family (block leave). Everything is up in the air and I don't like it one bit.
*Military life is different for every branch, rank, unit, and base. These are my feelings and opinions.*
School: for those who don't know, I am taking advantage of being a military spouse and getting a cert/license for Medical Assistant and possibly Pharmacy Tech. For Free. Awesome. It's taken a backbone a lot lately. I've had zero motivation. Like right now, I should be doing my schoolwork.
Gym: my drug, my stress reliever. I can't keep a regular schedule. I use the gym on base because its free. But I only go during certain times because of how crowded it can get. Sometimes I'm not able to go or I have no motivation. Lately, I've been going maybe 2-3 times a week. I wish I could have a regular schedule again. I'm getting rounded and I don't like it one bit.
God: oh man. I don't like saying this but He has been shoved very far on the list. I mean...look where he is on this blog post??!! Dead last. It makes me sad, it does. But all this stuff, above, takes over my mind, my days. I'm beginning to think I wouldn't feel this way if I put wholeheartedly my trust back in him. To take care of me and my husband and all our worries. I really need a bible study group. Or to really just get my act together. I'd give anything for a week away to reboot my mind/body/soul.
Are you a Military spouse? Was your first year married to the Military like this?
*I don't post this for sympathy, that's not what I am looking for. I simply want to know that this is normal or that someone else has experienced these things and has come out the other side of the storm. That they've made it through these military life obstacles.
Much love from Hawaii.
xoxo.
